This is embarrassing. Frustrating. Word can't describe it. Its the lowest place a person can get to, all the while hoping to find a corner on the face of the earth where you can hide, or if you can just go 7 foot deep in the ground....
Before beginning my story, the skype id of the scammer is already reported in another post.
Please be minded, its a long read.
I was chatting on chatroullete, just to kill some stress off studying, and I usually am aware of scammers or bad persons. I found this girl and we chatted for a while, and she asked me for skype. I said, heck, why not, its not a big problem. She came on skype and wanted to do webcam, but i declined. Things went on, and we chatted now and then on from time to time like a week or 2, and she kept insisting she wants to see me. Being shy, I naturally declined all the times. But then comes one freaking day, that will change my life forever.
I was studying as usual, and she wanted to turn on the cam, and I said again, oh what the hell. Why not? She turned on the cam. It was a young girl in her 20's, wearing a blue shirt, blonde and eating a lollipop. She stayed for a while, and laughed a bit, and we chatted. Then she just says "just watch", and she flashes me. Needless to say, my hormones took my Superego side, and my Id ravaged with sexual fantasy and desire. Next thing, she completely strips off, and asks me to do the same. I got lost, and started doing some stuff for her. Its the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.
Then, after 2-3 minutes, suddenly it goes off. She logged off, and came back in. Then, the usual, she showed me a link to youtube with my video, and said,
"this is your facebook : ---" listen to me this is your video m***urbating i share it on youtube : "link"
I DID A COPY OF YOUR list u have friends facebook So i have ur list friend i have ur video you think that you can run away i still have your list and ur video if u block me or delete i will send all your friends Facebook I WILL Start with, " names of my friends from my FB" ... and more and i will pub on all website of porn and all video website .. So Dont try f***ing Play With Me if u do i will try f*ck with u Okey So Do you want me to delete it Yes Or no ?"
At this moment, it was like an explosion inside my heart. Anxiety took over me, all my Freudian defenses fell apart. I panicked, and wished somehow this is a dream. I pinched myself, to wake myself up. I got out of my chair, ran around the room and came back...still, the reality was there. This guy had me on a thin line. In fact, I won't lie here. An exact plan of doing something to hurt myself laid out in my head.
Once I realized my folly and what he had done, I logged in to Facebook and deactivated it. At the same time I asked him to remove it. I begged him. Oh, I begged! He said he wanted money, about 250$, but I told him I don't have any. He agreed for 150$, and had a very pressing nature. In fact, it was like a gun placed on my head, and wanted me to do everything in 1 minute. He sent me links to Western Union, and even addresses where I can go and pay the money (he knew my city from my skype info. He googled in the places to send money from).
In reality, I didnt have any money on me. He gave me a half an hour to do whatever I can, to go and beg, or do anything to get him the money. I ended sending him 150$. I cant stress enough the fact that his intimidation was so powerful that I just couldn't think rationally. I am normally a very sensible, a highly educated person, a person with the most will power in fact. But, I dont know, something about that day. All this made me a big loser!
I sent him the money, and he promised to delete the video, and warned me to be careful of future scammers. I came home, and told him the details of transaction, and he said he would delete it and sweared on God. He said he will keep a copy and will delete it after the transaction. After a few hours, he sent me again a message saying "I am free now", and I didnt hear from him after that.
This all happened in a matter of an hour or 2 max, from starting to chat, to sending him the money. And then, surprisingly, my rational mind came to terms, and I realized what I had done. In fact, it was only after this moment I started to absorb things or make sense of whats going on. Before this, it was a nightmare. A flash. Time ran so fast, I couldn't catch grip even if I was travelling at speed of light. To top it all off came the "what if" scenarios, that are driving me nuts.
Sigh. Oh, where to start? What to write? My hatred for myself, or my utter stupidity? My loss of will power or my loss of sanity? Its so hard to describe. I've been through a lot in my life, and frankly the last i had, i thought it could not get worse. Actually, now I've realized it, this is the worst that ever can get. There is nothing worse then this. Humiliation is the worst punishment you can give to someone, even bitter than death. And also, I've realized the fact though I didn't know its full potential: Men are weak; women can knock off their superego any time of day, they can make them lose sense of morality; their lustful bodies can trick even the most sanest of men.
After I came to this website, I immediately found support on the chatroom, and I wished again God, why I didn't come here earlier!!! They told me what to do, and instructed me to block the skype user. Unfortunately, I had reported him as abuse to skype, before I got to know that its actually counterproductive. I am sorry for that. Since then, I've logged in my facebook, strengthen its privacy, and deactivated it again. I tried to remove all my information, made google alerts. So far its only a day, but still this anxiety is killing me.
The whole last night I couldn't sleep. I work up the in middle of the night, panicked, to see if something got posted on facebook. In the morning, I can't study, or cannot function. Concentration is hard with "What ifs" scenarios racking my brain. Thoughts of the video resurfacing or reaching my friends or family are constantly lurking in my conscious mind. My heart beat has been up, I am trembling when I write. I don't feel hunger, and I have this constant thirst - like my whole neck is parched, and no matter how much water I drink, or even if I drink the 7 seas, this feeling doesn't go away. Its like this person took away the breath of life from me. He brought me down to my knees, to a level where I am broken and shattered, to a point where I feel no return. I cried for hours yesterday, but now, the sadness is so deepening that my tears have dried out and instead, just a void - a gaping hole is left in my soul.
I cannot study for my exams, which are career defining for me. If I fail in them, I won't get any job of whatsoever. And they are like 1 and a half month away. And add to the fact that everyone has a lot of expectations from me. I am a very bright student, and have always made my parents/family/friends/professors proud. The thing is made worse to me because of my alter-persona i demonstrated in the cold hours of the night. What will they think of me? What about all my intelligence that I use to be so proud of? What about all the medals I've got? What about the teachers, whose favorite student I've been? What about my family, what will they think of their ever-intelligent and smart member? Where will they now go to resolve there problems? What about all the relatives, who see me as the innocent child among all the rest of the family? What about my mother, whose favorite I've been? What about dad, who proudly boasts about me in front of everyone? What if.....God, what if I had thought for a moment. God what if I had done so and so. God what if I had never left my book and would instead have finished the chapter. God, what if!!
I don't know if I can recover by the time of my exams. When I start to see a faint tint of light and hope, my mind curses me, and a flashback of what has happened appears to me. And the cycle of "what if" starts again. I do wish time will heal me fast, and I pray that I get out of this mess and accept myself again. On this sites's chat-room, I found great words of relief and comfort. Those guys showed me some light, some hope, that there is still good left in me. I wish I can go up to them, and hug and cry to them. Thank you once again.
My road is going to be tough ahead. I don't know how I start forgiving myself, or how can I forgive myself. How can I start my life again? How can I pick up my shattered pieces of soul and move on? If I can dissociate from myself and slap/shout at myself, it would be at least a solution. The thing that its everything in your head is a battlefield that cannot be easily tread or won. The biggest problem, however, is that I can't even tell this to any of my friends or confide with anyone. The pain and harassment is overwhelming. This anxiety and stress is the biggest challenge I've ever faced in my entire life. Please, pray for me that I can gear through it, and please help me
I hope my story can help some of you to relate to me. I know for a fact that you can lessen the depression by talking about it and somehow it is helping me a bit by sharing it here. And believe me, I didn't think at all while I was writing this thread. Words are just coming out of me, like a fountain springing to cover the horrors reeking in the depths of the earth.
-The thing that is bothering me the most is how in the world did he get my Facebook friends list? Its impossible since the setting is set "Only Me" for viewing friends list. Either he added me with another ID long ago and noted the names, or he maybe saw a pic of me and looked at the likes.
-If he only got the likes, then its not a problem since even if u search them individually, 1000 persons have matching names on facebook. There is no way to tell if they are my friends.
-If he noted the names down, chances are he also saw their pics. That could be a problem. Also, he can find common friends among the list, and hence track down which friend is really my friend. But all that takes time, and patience, and what I know, Scammers are hit and run.
-I think they use a software - which has pretext or a template. You can see that he copied/pasted it from somewhere because of all the spaces and the way its written. From what I've seen on this website, they normally generate the same kind of message, with only the name change and friends list change. Chances are that software may also be able to read of friends list from Facebook, some kind of application perhaps.
-I realized it later. They may scare you by giving addresses close by to you. Don't panic as I did thinking they have the address to my house. They are just using address in your city to scare you, and this information is easily available on skype.
-They are not rational. They are not like the professional ransom guys. There personality is of the inquisitive nature, and they thrive on the moment. If you give in like I did, its lost. Your best bet is to beat the moment, which actually is pretty hard.
-Also, whenever you chat PLEASE MAKE SURE THEY ARE SPEAKING OR LET THEM DO SOME act that is non-random. I should have seen this. I told her if she can hear me, but she said she doesn't want to talk and only play. I should have known at that exact moment!!!! OH, what a fool!