I have been trying my best to get in touch with reality, and so far its been a tough ride. Its almost now 10 days since my life-changing nightmare and so far I am just trying ways to find inner peace - sort of a 'reset' button within myself. I decided to post this topic under closure, since I believe this lays out a plan of where you stand in the struggle to attain closure. {If the moderators feel this belongs to a different thread, please tell me and I'll post it as a different thread or please feel free to move it}
I haven't reached closure yet. It feels more like a mirage, appearing now and then; whenever I try to reach it, it just goes further away. I think time is the best remedy to shorten this distance.
Having studied (or still studying) psychology, the topic I am writing now deals with the phases a person goes through when hit with grief or some kind of psychological trauma. I am writing this in retrospect and prospect, sharing what I have learnt and how to pass from phase to phase. In fact, you might realize that the same phases occur in almost every bad life-experience whether that be losing a job or an end of a terrible relationship or hearing bad news. They are namely:
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining (and Intellectualization)
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.
The important point to note is that these phases are not sequential and are not constant. We keep shifting to and fro among these various phases till we reach the stage of Acceptance. Closure, in its truest sense is nothing but 'Acceptance'. That is the phase where you stop going back to the previous phases i.e. having a relapse. Let me share of what I went through, and it makes a lot of sense to me now when I think what I have been doing subconsciously. I will also share on how I am dealing with each stage.
After the scam, I immediately went into 'Denial'. I refused to accept reality, and just tried to shut myself from the world. Unfortunately, denial didn't last long (its kind of protective since you are blocking reality) and then started the whole ordeal. Isolation became a norm, and for the first few days I didn't want to talk to anyone. I tried to break this by coming to this forum and talking to a few people. It really helped me. I started writing and it also somehow softened the internal wounds.
Anger was next for me. I smashed my bedroom's wall a couple of times, and pounded my head on the table, wishing a magical way to do something about the scam. The fact that I can't do anything about that son of a b1tch just made it worse. But I realize now it wasn't the scammer that I was really angry at. Its me that I am trying to fight against. I found out that to break the anger, the best thing was to go out for a walk. In fact, I started jogging while listening to music; mostly metal to channel my anger somehow. Classical music did relax me, but it could not hold the internal fury. In fact, at times I just ran with my max speed, and at times I was just blabbing to myself (naturally, the fellow joggers were kinda amused
) But, trust me, it did help. I was shouting all kinds of stuff to myself like "I have to forgive myself" or "I won't give up" or "This thing can't ruin my life" or "I have to get up" and so on, whatever motivated me, I just said it out loud. In fact, when I return home from my jogging sessions, I feel relaxed, and can finally stop thinking about it.
Bargaining and Intellectualization. This is a phase that you try to find other ways to meet your ends. For example, a cancer patient starts learning more about his disorder so as to block the underlying emotion of fear or regret. This is exactly what I have been going through quite recently. Trying to bargain. I started reading so much on scammers and their works, that one time I went into chatroullete to catch a few bastards. It was only after I talked to one of the moderators that he told me its a really bad idea to do anything now; that healing comes first. And he is absolutely right. The world of scamming is huge, and its a never-ending loop. Once you try to learn about a few of the ways, you will just keep going for more, and this will actually hurt your performance. I realized that the day I did some scamming research, my concentration for my studies took a plummet. Besides, it was spending too much time on things I have no control on, and I was stuck in this phase until a few days back. That's the reason I suggest not to follow in my footsteps i.e don't go into reading into the world of scammers. Of course, you should educate yourself, and I think all of the victims, after being scammed, are naturally made aware of the potential dangers lurking online.
Other aspects of 'Bargaining' are closing the blind loops of the 'what-if' scenarios. In other words, I've been considering them and looking at what will happen or how will I react or how will it affect me. For some of them when I started thinking deeply, it kinda lifted some fears. For others, it actually worsened my fears. Its really hard to block these scenarios, and the one that I am having the most trouble with is "What if the scammer comes back some day later in my life when, lets say, I am a famous or a known person". I have tried to comfort myself that as long as I make myself unreachable, this won't happen. But again, if I am known, some how people can get to you. After all, it doesn't take long on the internet to search about someone. I think this is the phase that I am currently stuck in.
Depression. This is the phase where you just lose all sight of the world. Its not about a bad or a very negative mood. The problem is not having a mood at all. That is depression; you feel no pleasure in anything of what so ever. I've been moving through this phase quite frequently. I think, my situation is too acute to really talk about the ways to fight it, but nevertheless, I found some ways to counter it. This phase usually heals with time, and I think its the best remedy for it. Whenever I feel low, I just stop studying since it makes it worse. While depressed, staring at a page just makes your mind go into a world of melancholy. Instead, I go and start doing some household stuff, or play with my siblings or just watch some nice movie. I don't even come to the site since it might then force me to go into bargaining i.e. start reading up on scammers. I was so glad to feel some kind of emotion after watching a good movie. For instance after one movie, I really liked the actress, and I never thought I could like a girl again
.
Viewing the world in its entirety as evil, I think, is quite natural to a victim. I saw so much filth in the world while scanning these forums. It just made me more depressed and hateful of it. But then, when I pondered over it, a thought came to my mind that made me instantly rejoice. The very answer that I was looking for was right there in front of me. This site! Strangers, having no gain of whatsoever, miles away and irrespective of country/culture/religion/ethnicity, are more than willing to lend you a hand. More then willing to listen and try to help you out here. This site just proves that "there is still good in this world, and its worth fighting for" (ain't that right, Samwise Gamgee?
).
I've also turned to religion and faith to alleviate my mood and get sense of life. It has some hidden powers that I did not knoww before. Somehow, it brings a relief thinking that a higher authority will protect you from all harms - that He will shield you from all the troubles you are having. Whatever your faith is, having a spiritual source to rely and cry to really helps. I've heard other people have tried techniques like yoga or relaxation so that can help as well.
Acceptance or as Slaphappy rightly said, Closure
. Sigh. Still not there yet, but I am trying. I have put all my efforts into it and I remind myself every day to somehow reach it. I even wrote some 'notes to self' on my wall, things like "Forgive yourself" or "Don't give up hope". They are good in a way that they give me motivation. Bad, because they remind me again of the past. That's the reason I think after a few more days, I will take them down, and let forgetting run its course. Once I reach closure, I will definitely write about it here.
I just realized that by writing this topic, I was trying to fight my inner depression. It does feel like bargaining or Intellectualization, but its all part of a process. A constant fight with your inner self. Its really hard to get the things back to how they were before. In fact, it seems quite impossible because your view of the world has suddenly changed. Somehow you feel unprotected even while you are miles away. But again, life is a lesson, and every fall is supposed to make you stronger. I hope at the end of the tunnel, I come out as a changed and stronger man. A joyful person more accepting of life than ever.
I hope that this topic was enlightening, and somehow it helps you to move forward in search of serenity. If any of you can somehow relate to these phases and share your experience of moving out of them, I'll be glad to hear it.