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Not sure if this guy is a scammer

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Not sure if this guy is a scammer

Unread postby velita » Mon Mar 06, 2017 10:06 am

Hello,
I hope you can advise because I'm not sure what to think.
I've been talking to guy I met on a dating site for just over 2 months. We've met face to face a few times (I've been to his house and he has been to mine).
What made me suspicious is that he asked me for money to pay for the balance on his car lease.
He stayed in contact when I said I couldn't help him but although we have spoken it doesn't feel the same as before. I don't know if this is just in my head or it's a gut feeling.
He also made a big deal asking me to suspend my dating profile very soon after we met but he kept his active.
Other things that have made me concerned:
He's very insistent on video calls (I've always said no);
He told me he loved me even before we met (I thought that was very weird but then he seemed fairly normal until the recent request for money);
Since I viewed his profile yesterday he deleted all his pictures and a fair bit of content.
Is this normal?
velita
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Re: Not sure if this guy is a scammer

Unread postby Big Al » Mon Mar 06, 2017 12:08 pm

If you had never met face to face I'd say Yes, 100% scam. Since you've met in person I'd still ask is this someone you would wish to continue a relationship with? You've only know him for two months and he's begging for money. You might look into his job status and other things and decide to find someone more financially stable.

In the end, go with your gut. If you think something is wrong then it probably is and you should cut all ties.
"Look for the lies."
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Re: Not sure if this guy is a scammer

Unread postby SlapHappy » Mon Mar 06, 2017 12:10 pm

We deal with online scams only here, however, everything you said about him fits all of the signs of an online scammer except for this:
We've met face to face a few times (I've been to his house and he has been to mine.

Sometimes online scammers will meet victims face to face, but it is not common.

I'd say he does not seem normal to me. Trust your gut.
Anyone exhibiting the "controlling behaviors" he is showing along with asking for money does not look like it could be a healthy relationship. My advice, drop him completely before you get hurt. You obviously also believe he is not "right."

Some information to help you weed out online romance scammers.
How to spot if your valentine is a scammer.
viewtopic.php?f=11&t=18085

You may find this article on Sociopaths helpful, too.
How to Spot a Sociopath http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
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Re: Not sure if this guy is a scammer

Unread postby velita » Tue Mar 07, 2017 2:21 am

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.

I know this situation is unusual - that's why I posted here for your expertise.

I'm still so confused: I keep on reading the links you posted above and he ticks so many boxes but I can also find legitimate reasons for pretty most of what he has said and done. If it wasn't for the money and keeping his dating profile active I wouldn't even have had reason to be concerned.

I think part of the problem is that I'm not great at trusting others or my instincts. Maybe it's easier to believe he's not genuine than to trust he is?

I don't want to walk way from what could be a good relationship but I also understand that discussing my concerns with a scammer is not particularly wise.

I'm sorry, I don't want to turn into the poster that drives everyone nuts but having meet face to face is turning this into an brain twisting saga and I genuinely don't know what to do for the best.
velita
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Re: Not sure if this guy is a scammer

Unread postby SlapHappy » Tue Mar 07, 2017 11:37 am

Detach from your emotions about him, and look at it logically.

he ticks so many boxes
They make excuses for everything, and use your weaknesses against you to get what they want. Even though your gut tells you he is lying, you still grab onto them. Why? Are you so desperate right now to have a relationship that you would continue to date someone who fits the profile of a sociopath?

People who do not lie, do not abuse people, and do not have ulterior motives do not tick any boxes.
he asked me for money to pay for the balance on his car lease.
If you are talking about paying the balloon payment on the lease to convert it into a sale, that is no small thing like asking to borrow 10 bucks for a pizza.
That's about half the sticker price on the car or more. Normal, financially stable people would never ask anyone for that, even from a family member. This is a monster of a red flag.

I don't want to walk way from what could be a good relationship
One thing that is very important here. Sociopaths do not change. Ever. They are broken inside, and as time goes by they get more sociopathic, never less. They are like leopards. They get better at hunting and getting what they want to consume. They cannot remove their spots, and nobody else can remove them, either.
You need to find the strength, confidence, and self-esteem to walk away from this one.
You cannot change this bad relationship into a good one, especially by accepting his excuses for his bad traits.
Doing that will reinforce his bad behavior, and escalate it, making things worse for you.

"Things changed" after he asked for money, and you denied to give it to him.
He keeps his dating profile open so he can seek another woman who will give him the money that he wants.
You don't talk or see him much now, as I suspect he is spending his time looking for someone else, putting you on the back-burner, in case he needs something else from you later. You are like a small gazelle that he wounded and dragged up into a tree, so other predators like him cannot find you while he goes out hunting for more food.
He'll keep coming back, if you cannot get out of that tree, and eat your legs slowly first, making it less likely that you can escape until decides to finish you off.
He told you to delete your dating profile. Why? To make sure that you do not get involved with anyone else. People are "commodities" to him. When the commodity is used up or worn out, they dump them and look for the next thing they want that satisfies their needs, irregardless of the damage to the "commodity."

Maybe you should listen to the podcasts with interviews of romance scam survivors. You will gain some knowledge of how and why scammers operate the way that they do, and how victims get caught up in one. 1-5 would be a good start.
http://scamsurvivors.com/podcasts
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