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recovery and reassurance

This section deals specifically with online romance scams. The images used by the scammers are stolen from innocent people, usually from their social media pages.

Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby AnonymousRecovering » Thu Jul 30, 2015 9:09 am

Three weeks have passed. I have re-activated my Facebook. Nothing has happened. I am very grateful to the knowledgeable community here.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Sat Aug 01, 2015 1:38 am

I wanted to share this recent PM with LearnedTheHardWay, with his permission.
Perhaps it will help a few of you who still may be struggling with recovery.
Thanks for allowing all of us to read it, LTHW. :)

Podcasts and Thinking
by LearnedTheHardWay

So I've been listening to the podcasts, and now and again thinking about myself. I began to realize that I was finding myself taking a particular track of thought which was just stupid. I had it in my head yes I'm safe for now but what if one day I achieve a successful career and because of this I'm then found by the scammer and threatened once again, and at one stage I started to think "maybe I don't want to become everything I once wanted to in case this happens. I started to ask questions like "what if I didn't report the video correctly and so it's still on YouTube?". Then when pondering this I thought; would you stop being so stupid and wake up to the facts.

I was choosing to believe the fear I was creating in my own head from the scammer's threats and lies instead of listening to what you and this site were telling me, to the point where I was scared to make a name and a life for myself. I began to realize that if the scammer really wanted to "ruin my life" he would have took note of my f/b friends in case I did deactivate my account and then send it to them as he threatened he would. I remember the threat "and if you try to flee the situation I will go ahead and send the video anyway." Well that was quite clearly bull****!

I started to realize that if he has scammed as many people by day as you believe these scammers do, then by now it would be over 2,000 people since me. How could he possibly remember me? I even calculated the amount of people he could possibly scam by the time I finish university - 32,700+ if youre interested lol. I started to realise just how foolish I was being. You've told me they don't return so why was I choosing to believe they would?

I then started to think of circumstances regarding other people and if they didnt end contact with the scammer, why their video was shared. I came to the conclusion, that if they were still keeping contact with the scammer, the scammer would then most likely send the video to at least one of their f/b friends, as they would have further scared the victim. Sending it to one or a couple of their friends would be the only thing left that they could do in order to scare the victim into paying. But by paying, the victim has fallen to the thought of all their friends seeing this video and to quote my scammer "becoming a local celebrity". But in reality, in my eyes anyway, this would not happen unless they remained in contact with their scammer for a long time. I began to realise that if the scammer was adamant that if he was not paid he would send the video, then that would have happened. But it didnt.

You say in the podcast its just about money then and there and if you dont pay up they move on; and this is true. I started to think how completely mad it is for me to think that over the years it would be until I'd come of age to be in a successful career position that the scammer would be searching my name into web browsers. And then on top of this I started to almost shout at myself, that the video doesn't exist! I reported the video, almost certain that the particular youtube account it was put up on is deleted. And months have already passed. Am i really telling myself that the scammer stores the thousands of videos just incase someday he finds the victims again? Crazy logic.

I still don't feel comfortable returning to f/b but it's probably because I dont really have any need for it that I'm not making a new one as of yet. I feel safe on twitter and instagram and I have set my accounts as private as they can be, at least as far as I know they can be. I'm still slightly fighting off this, which at one point was an expectation that one day it'll return and at times I really do get frustrated with it.

This then even led me to think of what if we went back in time and some of my friends were sent a video. If all of my friends list saw it, yes it would be tough, i'd worry that i'd be laughed and mocked and peoples' perception of me would change as I do see myself as quite a sociable person and social life means a lot to me. But if it was just a few people, yes it would be embarrassing but really, so what? I'm sure these people would laugh at me for a bit but this is a very serious and dark part of the internet and one which is becoming more and more known. I just think of Ronan Hughes and the thoughts and fears that he would have gone through. I'm sure we shared a number of them and I can easily see how overwhelming they could be for him, as they were for me.

But the reality is that I don't actually believe that these people would react the way we imagine if they were sent the video, and that took me a long time to consider. Whilst I had such fear of the possible embarrassment, I also had even more fear of how my parents would react. I don't mean this in a childish 'I don't want to get into trouble way' but as a more state of mental health, and I hated the thought of bringing shame upon the family. These are all the thoughts that go through your head and possibly what the scammers are hoping will corner you into paying up in the first place. But yes, I apologize for the long rambling but I'm trying to really hit home to myself that the video doesn't exist and it's over forever.
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here: https://www.scamsurvivors.com/blackmail/#/
FAQ viewtopic.php?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: https://scamsurvivors.com/forum/viewtop ... =3&t=26504
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby Sammy » Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:39 pm

And here I am as well, scammed...
and I paid, like an idiot I am.
I'm taking distance from it, viewing it as a stupid stupid mistake. But it's like being a kid, right? The fire looks so bright, you just want to touch it, and than BAM, you hurt your fingers.
that one girl looked so beautiful, and you just had to do it. and you got burned. But not anymore, now we know, now we won't make the same mistake again.
I made the mistake of paying, it's a lot of money, but money is only what it is. I have my health, I have my friends, my parents, I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I'm not going to dwell on this, besides the 10 minutes I took from walking back home from Western Union.
in the future, I know I will have my 30 seconds of anger, remembering the stupidity. it was an expensive lesson, but hey, I have friends who got robbed of 5 times as much money, so, relatively... the scammer can go suck an egg, we shouldn't waste a single second of our honest, true and bright lives to such scum of the earth.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby Imadeamistake » Wed Aug 05, 2015 3:43 pm

Three months have now gone by with no reemergence of the scammer. Granted I still haven't reactivated any online profile but that's because not having them has given me a new found freedom. For 8 years I've had social online media and I feel more alive without it! The advice on this site is solid, this scam will not follow you, these people only want your money not to ruin your life. They couldn't care less about your personal life. The video might come out but if it does you can get it removed and you will get over it! Your past does not define your future! The past is dead it doesn't exist there's nothing you can do about the last three minutes or hours days months or years, but you have total control of the next minute day month year decade. Your future is shaped by you want it to be. As these people don't know you if you cut all contacts they will very soon forget you and never remember you. Don't worry about this, follow the advice do it to the letter and then forget all about it and live your life.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby beast » Mon Aug 10, 2015 6:42 pm

The morning of the 8th of August will probably go down as the start of one of the worst experiences i've ever been through emotionally and mentally.
It all happened so quick...I had come back home after a long night out...still under the influence of the drinks i'd consumed. Logged on to tinder...matched with a pretty girl that seemed genuine at the time (probably just my alcohol fueled, sleep deprived brain). Asked me to move on to skype, and as with so many individuals on here, i gave into my base human instincts without trying to rationalize and within the next 30 minutes was staring at a recorded video of myself, followed by a list of friends from F/B. And the blackmailers request staring at me.
When it hit me, it hit like a brick in the face, realizing what was going on, the alcohol still fueling my thoughts. I rushed to report to the police, explained to my dad as best i could cause i felt like i was going to collapse and couldn't handle it alone (My dad couldn't wrap his head around it, couldn't understand why i would do it). The police instructed me to come back the next day as it being the weekend, their cyber crime division was shut. In my state of fear and torment i gave into the blackmailers request and paid $350, thinking i was buying myself time..he expected another 2000 the following day.

I got back home and found this site. I cannot explain the amount it helped me ..the reassurance of reading that the same thing had happened to thousands just like me and they had made it through as survivors gave me hope.
I read through post after post...called my cousin and explained what happened, he stayed and tried calming me down and helping me make sense of what i needed to do. I followed all the steps, got all my accounts offline and blocked the blackmailers number on my phone. He got in touch the next day saying "I made a huge mistake by blocking him and it was a personal affair now". As much as this still scares me. I ignored and blocked this number as well and didn't answer the following 2 calls i got from "unknown number" & "number withheld".

Its the 3rd day today, and for the first time i managed to get out of my house, with my cousin to buy some stuff, away from my computer and in public. What i realized as soon as i stepped out is ....The feeling of anxiety and shame that i have inside are still eating at me. I cannot stand to be around people...I'm tormented by the words of the blackmailer, the site of that video still flash before me. I can't let my fear dictate my life and i'm trying to overcome it...but being a person that was prone to depression and anxiety until very recently..this incident has brought it all back ten fold.

I know as with all the people here that have gone through and survived, its a feeling that will take time to pass and its not something that can happen overnight. I know that the video may never surface and it's just the fear and shame associated with it that's eating at me. And that the constant googling of my name might not bring up any results but if it did ..what would i do then?
I just needed to share this with someone and i cannot think of anyone else to do with than the people on here. Without the help and guidance of this website i would be in a much worse state and do not want to think what i may have done.
With each passing day , i hope these feelings diminish and i can return to being the person i was prior to the incident. My confidence is shaken and self-worth destroyed...but i pray with time it returns.

I genuinely want to thank the mods and each and every member on here that has shared their experience and helped me regain hope.
Shall keep you posted on future developments, i know i can survive this and come up on top.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Mon Aug 10, 2015 7:30 pm

Thanks for sharing that, beast. If you have not yet listened to the podcasts with interviews of two of the blackmailed members here, I encourage you to do so. They should help you deal with the emotional fallout from the scam and recover faster, as will reading this entire topic here, with the thoughts of many other victims of scams.

Interview with a blackmail survivor, a member of our website:
http://scamsurvivors.com/podcasts/ Click Playlist button in the upper left of the player. Scroll to podcast #11.

Interview with New Light, a blackmail survivor:
http://scamsurvivors.com/podcasts/ Click Playlist button in the upper left of the player. Scroll to podcast #16.
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here: https://www.scamsurvivors.com/blackmail/#/
FAQ viewtopic.php?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: https://scamsurvivors.com/forum/viewtop ... =3&t=26504
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby beast » Mon Aug 10, 2015 10:05 pm

Thanks for the links and reassurance Slaphappy. Yes i have listened to Podcast 11...listening to 16 now.
The podcasts definitely help with the healing process.
Knowing that others have gone through the same thing and felt the same way i'm feeling and understanding how they dealt with it helps give some direction to my recovery process.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby randomuser » Tue Aug 18, 2015 1:10 am

It's been 3 weeks now, my story is quite similar to most on here.

If you are reading this and were just scammed, know that you are not alone. This is a harsh reality of life now, follow the instructions that these wonderful moderators and admin has suggested. Right away. Don't waste time.

You will get through this. I did, it made me reexamine a lot about myself and the relationships I have in my life. I finally got help for an anxiety issue I've struggled with for years, I've rekindled my relationship with my wife, I survived. And you will too.

Yes, it's scary, that's the MO of these scammers, to scare you, so you will pay. Don't pay. Never pay.

I want to thank Wayne and Slaphappy for their support and their unending patience. You guys saved me. Really. I am forever grateful for what you have done and are doing.

Finally, if you had this happen to you, listen to the podcasts, put some time between yourself and the problem. Time will heal everything.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby Brainon » Tue Aug 18, 2015 2:50 pm

Hi all,

Can I firstly say thank you, this website is brilliant! It is tough to get over something like this, It has been 3 weeks since i got scammed, I followed the steps advised on here religiously and so far I have had no contact from the scammer!!! I got scammed on Skype and as soon as they began to play my video back to me I logged out of Skype and deleted my FB!
I logged in, I blocked and deleted the contact.

I haven't been on my F/B or Skype since but I need to log into my Skype, I have sat looking at the log in details for hours over the past few days and today i finally bucked up the courage to log in! When I logged in the conversation was there that I never actually read. I wasn't using my actual name but yet the scammer was still able to find my real account on f/b? Anyway, the video wasn't on a website link but in a JPEG format folder. They hadn't tried to contact me since the night it happened exactly 3 weeks and 4 days ago . . . I have now deleted the convo, deleted the person and blocked them!

I really, really hope this is the end of it. I am not reactivating my F/B account.

One thing I would say, everyone publicise this website as much as possible!!! there will be hundreds and probably thousands of people who go through this and this website can really support them through it!!!!!!

Thanks,
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Tue Aug 18, 2015 8:14 pm

We just had a victim here that came into live chat, 18 months after the scam. He was wondering if it was safe to reopen his accounts and get on with his real life, if the scammer forgot him, and if he still had his video. 18 months of letting the scammer control his everyday life and his choices!!?? :shock:

DO NOT let this happen to you like he did. If you are still worried or have any thoughts that the scammer will return after a month, do something about these negative untruths that you have made up in your own mind, please.
And that is exactly what they are, YOUR OWN THOUGHTS, based on believing scammer lies.

We have some topics that can help you dispel fear and nullify your faulty thinking here, but you have to take the time to read them, listen to them, and convince yourself. If reading every single page of this topic, "recovery and reassurance," and listening to podcasts 11 and 16 do not destroy your own self-generated thoughts, then do more.

Talk to someone at home about it, get guidance in moving on from a past bad experience from somebody. Seek professional help if you have to. You cannot have a life if you live in fear of something that will never happen in the future, or remain ashamed of making a human mistake in the past.

Take it from this "old fart;" Life is far too short to be wasted on thinking about lies that a piece of worthless human flesh told you and who has forgotten you long, long ago. Take charge of your own life, and do it now.
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here: https://www.scamsurvivors.com/blackmail/#/
FAQ viewtopic.php?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: https://scamsurvivors.com/forum/viewtop ... =3&t=26504
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